Going "Home"

It's been quite awhile since I've written. I can't quite seem to muster up the time and emotional strength. Lately, though it's been bothering me that I haven't posted something...anything. I think about Tim constantly so why can't I just write?

Here's my attempt: I know I can't write as eloquently as I would like so I hope you forgive me.


We've just returned home to Delaware after being in Ithaca for the past week.  For the past two to three years I've been longing to move back home and hoping (knowing) that fate will gently nudge us to upstate New York.  Michael has been supportive of the notion but the mechanics and details are trickier.  Once again I find myself craving to live there: Ithaca, my hometown. When I was working as a nurse, one of the more gregarious physicians would say to me, "Well, you know you never really go back home," in response to my comments about missing Ithaca.

I believe he was referencing the book, You Can't Go Home Again by Thomas Wolfe. I just looked it up so I could understand what Dr. Piper was telling me about.  According to good ol' Wikipedia, the novel can best be summed up by this quote:
                  "You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood ... back home to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame ... back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time – back home to the escapes of Time and Memory." (Ellipses in original.)^[10]

I want to reject this notion but find myself seeing the truth in it, too.  The Ithaca where my childhood memories were made are set in a time I can't relive.  I drive around and see new buildings, businesses, streets, all so unfamiliar and surprising.   And yet... I feel Tim's spirit there in Ithaca, at our house we grew up in, at Kelly's new home - the one Tim was supposed to share with her.  So, "No" I guess I can't go back home per se but Ithaca evokes dozens and dozens of memories and emotions that make me feel closer to Tim.  I grieve harder there because not only am grieving for Tim but I am grieving our childhood- the memories, the carefree way of life before adulthood took over. 

Gabby at our house. I am still in disbelief that I am bringing my daughter to visit the house we grew up in but without Tim. I know he's "watching" but it doesn't lessen the pain. 

Thursday night, while we were visiting, it started snowing. Michael, Gabby, my mom, and I went over to Kelly and Marty's (her brother) house for dinner.  The snow continued to fall: a cruel reminder for me that Tim isn't alive to experience the excitement of a good, early snowfall.  I wanted  to find comfort in the snowflakes, I tried imagining Tim's spirit sending the snow as a gesture of love, a white blanket to "hug" us, but I could only think to myself, "How dare it snow without Tim!?"

Tim shoveling snow.
I am so grateful that the last Christmas we spent together was a "white" one. 

The point is, Ithaca is a place filled with so many emotions for me: it comforts me, saddens me, and surprises me. I may never really be able to "go back home"  but Ithaca continues to beckon me and I can't ignore that feeling.  The grief hurts worse there but I also feel more love and comfort there, too.  The snow, the town, our house, the streets all remind me of Tim but I wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm ready to come home...